Insomnia

I haven’t had insomnia for a while but tonight I can’t sleep. My roommate fell out of her bed and because she is so drunk she can’t manage to get up and get back into bed. I can’t lift her up to help her back so I gave her some pillows and her blanket and told her to sleep on the floor.

I have had it. My life has been negatively impacted by her problems and her disease for the past three years. I have done my best and my worst to help her. I am taking the advice of Al-Anon to heart and letting go.

If she does not go into rehab, she will be evicted. She knows this. But like everything else in her life, she is in denial. and she keeps drinking so she doesn’t have to face this. I am the last of her family members that has taken care of her. I am all she has. And yet she rarely says thank you.

I am so tired I can’t think straight. But when I can, I will write about why I think alcoholics and other addicts are the most selfish humans on earth. I know it is a disease, addiction. I know that as much as any one. But understanding that it is out of their control, doesn’t make me any more patient or sympathetic. After years of helping this person out of one problem after another, I no longer want to pick up the pieces. I want MY life back. I resent her and I almost would rather have her out of my life, than live like this. If she wants to kill herself with alcohol, let her do it on her own time and in her own space, not my home.

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Distractions

Being unemployed has allowed me to fill my summer with distractions. Cleaning out the garage, gardening to the extreme, painting, sorting, purging. Reading, coloring anything but writing.

My mind has been filled with things to write about. A number of wonderful events filled with new memories.

Right now I have been distracted by some one else’s problems and life crisis. I resent it. I resent it because I have done what I can and I can’t do anymore and I don’t know what else to do. this person needs to take care of it. I am letting it get in the way of things I want to do.

Since I lost Stormy, I feel as if I owe it to her to write about her. I still have the lasting thought that I wasn’t there enough for her near the end. Again the distractions.

As the summer turns to fall, I will find a way to make it up to stormy.